The Art of Letting Go

A new year, a new beginning, a new blah blah blah — does this sound familiar?

As far back as 4000 years, it was the Babylonians, who reportedly made promises to the gods in the hope they’d earn good favour in the coming year. These promises traditionally revolved around clearing debts. Much like Xmas, I don’t personally buy into the falsity of the New Year and prefer to commit to setting a goal or resolution at any moment, just as I do with buying stuff that I want or need. There is no need for a fat man in a red suit to drive my commercialistic needs — I don’t have a chimney anyway. This year, however, as the new year approaches I have felt an incredible urge to master the “art of letting go”, and as it is an urge and not a desire, it will be the first and last new years resolution I will ever make.

“I can’t seem to say good-bye
Though I’ve tried a million times
The more I learn, the less I know
About the art of letting go” Pat Benatar

Much like my father before me, I can hold a grudge, and in all fairness, I’ve managed to work through these over the years. I have read enough to know they’re not healthy and hinder effective mental progression, but there is one particular box of negative resentment [stamped 2019] I have not been overly successful in setting free. There is a wise old part of me that declares this grudge a gift. The resilience, strength, and determination which grew during this tumultuous period has played a fundamental part in progressing my private and professional existence in a way I couldn’t have predicted at the time. Also, I’m confident if those responsible for the drama understood the glory of their gift, if they knew the final outcome, they would have crawled back in the cesspits from which they came and saved themselves the disappointment, this aside thank you 😊 Yes, that was one final righteous dig at the main characters of this particular grudge bucket — But as previously stated, it’s time to tip the bucket out because like a bucket of water that has been left to fester long after the rain has disappeared, it is starting to stink the place up and attract annoying creatures.

I believe it was Buddha who said something like, harboring anger towards others is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Refusing to forgive or insisting on holding a grudge isn’t good for us. It consumes us in anger and delivers persistent rumination soaked in revenge. We sometimes feel harbouring ill will impacts the person we’re mad at, but ultimately we are the ones who suffer. At the time it may not feel this way, but in a nutshell, a grudge inhibits our ability to cope with or resolve the issue and keeps us stuck in the past. These ill feelings keep us trapped in the experience of the unpleasant event or interaction. It’s like playing the most unpleasant scene of a movie over and over again. And the worst part is, you are choosing to do it. This choice to live in the ‘grudge’ is mentally draining and counterproductive to pretty much everything. And, If the behaviour continues for long enough the following can occur …

• Anxiety
• Aggressive behaviour
• Depression
• Emotional Dysregulation
• Other mood disorders
• Self-harm or suicidal ideation

That is a long list of extra brownie points for the people or person who decided to load the cannon that permanently embedded a bucket of grudge on your back. Depending on what spiritual train you’re on, this list may influence your move forward. For me personally, I try to be a little bit Buddhist these days, although if I am being honest, I do still tend to naturally lean into the “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” doctrine during extreme situations. It is an ongoing battle I am committed to working on — hey, I am no saint and definitely no buddha.

So how do we progress through the wrongdoings of this unpleasant spalpeen?

Take a moment to consider that the phrase “holding a grudge,” comes from the Old French word grouchier, which means “to grumble” and is related to the English word “grouch.” If we dig a little earlier in time there are similar related meanings that translate into “to complain,” “to wail,” “to grumble,” and “to cry out.” Can you see where I am going with this? Holding a grudge is becoming extremely unappealing. So, here are some ideas on what else you can do.

1. Accept what has happened — Chances are you can’t change what has happened, especially if the situation is unwarranted. The people victimizing you are virulent, by responding you’re just spreading the disease.
2. Consider the role you played — not everyone will understand or like you, and that’s fine. Just try to avoid a bellicose response. While it may seem justified, you just add certainty to what was once a falsity.
3. Distract yourself with enjoyable activities — Easier said than done, but practice does make perfect. The brain automatically recognizes and breeds negativity, some might say as a defense mechanism. Much like muscle wastage in your 30s, it can be a losing battle if not treated. Fun and positivity is what should be prescribed. Happy thoughts and memories are better than thoughts of hatred or revenge.
4. Practice empathy for all involved, including yourself — This is a bit of a tricky one but essentially where being a bit Buddhist comes in to play. And by being a bit Buddhist I mean study the teachings and practice. Its going to take more than a few yoga classes and a mandala tattoo.
5. Don’t judge yourself or your feelings — this can be very self-destructive and plays into the hands of the oppressor. You are entitled to feel the way you feel, for a short time only, but then move on and slay the obstacles set out in front of you.
6. Set healthy boundaries — Leave the environment and don’t return, why would you? This can be hard but in the long run, you’ll thank yourself.
7. Connect with a counsellor and explore forgiveness therapy — simply head to the contact page and reach out to yours truly. Forgiveness therapy is an opportunity to unpack, identify and dissipate the emotions and behavioral patterns connected to events and people we have not forgiven.

In my personal experience, ultimately, no one gets theirs more than someone who watches their victims succeed.

“A boomerang comes back to the person who throws it” Vera Nazarlan